1. Using words to hurt, maim and destroy your marriage
Although men are stronger physically, women have the advantage when it comes to verbal acumen. On average, women speak nearly three times more than men. The average female ends her day having spoken nearly 20,000 words, while her husband, boss, friend or partner has had his say with about 7,000. Women are talkers and have learned how to use words for the most effectiveness.
Women are adept at brandishing the sharpest words in order to shame, demean and belittle their man. Words are like toothpaste. Once they are out, there is no getting them back in. Regardless of how sorry you are afterward, the damage has been done. All the sorries in the world will never take back the sting of your angry words, once you have unleashed them on your hapless husband.
Rather than use your words as a weapon, use them as a healing balm to comfort, encourage and uplift your husband. And as grandma always used to say, “If you can’t say something nice, then don’t say anything at all.”
2. Criticize him, make fun of him and belittle him to your friends and family
When you criticize and belittle your husband, you not only diminish your husband in your eyes, but you also poison those closest to you. You force them to take sides, and of course they choose your side, because they want to be loyal to you. Your friends and family don’t live at your house. They don’t see what goes on day after day. They don’t see the good things your husband does. The only view they have of your husband is the one that you present to them. If you are constantly badmouthing and belittling him, then they will view him as a bad partner for you.
After you speak badly about him, they will never look at your husband the same. Even when you get over your tirade, and everything is great at home, they will still be mad at him. Your friends and family members want to protect you from danger and harm. If you are constantly referring to your husband in a negative light, then they will want to protect you and your children from this monster you married, even if he isn’t really a monster.
When you speak poorly of your spouse, your close friendships and relationships will remain irreparably altered against your husband, in time, this can destroy your marriage. He will never understand why your friends don’t like him, and why your mother is mean to him.
Rather than trying to make excuses, don’t start down that path. When you speak of your husband, use uplifting, encouraging words. If he is acting like a jerk, you don’t need to gush about it to everyone you know. Your constant complaints against him will create a wall between your husband and your friends, that he can never overcome.
3. Never being happy
One of the quickest ways to destroy your marriage is to spend all your time acting miserable and unhappy. The goal of marriage should be peace and happiness. It is to this end that you have an obligation to be happy. If the goal is to be happily married, it is up to you to exercise self control. Only you can make yourself happy. If you believe that your happiness comes from other people or having things or external circumstances, then you will never be happy. You are in charge of your happiness. It is a decision. You can choose to be a miserable, unhappy grouch, or you can suck it up, pull your boots on and show up in your marriage as the person you’d like to be.
There is no need to express every angry, bitter or resentful thought. Everybody gets pissed off, frustrated and irritated. There isn’t anyone to blame. You are choosing to respond to your circumstances with that attitude. You can choose a different path. By owning your own problems, you can take responsibility for your own happiness. Each day, work on bringing your best self into the relationship. Regardless of what happens, you are only one thought away from peace.
Remind yourself every day, I can see peace instead of this. And then, work to see the peace that is available to you.
4. Picking the wrong man
You repeat the pattern again. And again. You meet a man. You like him. You start dating. Then you begin to notice the tiny flaws. The chinks in his armor. He yells, just like your dad did. He drinks and becomes abusive. He is mean to your kids. “It’s o.k., ” you tell yourself, “I’ll fix him after we get married.”
Stop right there. There is no fixing it. The man you date will be the same man after you are married. Inherently kind? He’ll still be kind. Addicted to pornography? He’ll still be addicted. You cannot change the basic nature of other people. You cannot love them into changing. You cannot nag or pout or complain them into changing. If the relationship feels unhealthy during dating, getting married will not fix it. He will not magically become more responsible, more reliable, or more loving after you marry him. So if you want a good husband, find a good man, date him, and marry him.
While this list may seem daunting, it is important to remember that the main goal of marriage should be peace and happiness. If life is stressful, work on changing your perception. You can see peace instead of stress. You are only one thought away from a peaceful life. If you feel unhappy, seek those thing that will fulfill you in life. Just be happy. The simplest route to something is to just be. The only person you can change is yourself.
5. Using sarcastic and critical statements, gestures, and facial expressions
This is a quick and easy way to show your husband that you don’t respect him or his opinion. Men can become overwhelmed by the barrage of criticism coming at them. The result is they shut down, withdraw, and seek kindness and approval elsewhere.
Have you ever experienced someone discounting what you have to say, without actually listening to you? When you are critical or sarcastic with your husband, he feels attacked and unvalued. Listen to him, without adding your two cents worth. If you’d like to ask questions, wait until he stops talking. Don’t interrupt with a story about how the dog threw-up on the carpet. Let him have a few minutes to be the center of your attention. And if you absolutely must get dinner made, invite him to join you in the kitchen. Tell him that you would like to hear about the rest of his day, and mean it.
Another way to show disrespect is to roll your eyes or make sarcastic facial expressions. These are just as irritating for your husband, as they are for you when your teen-aged daughter does it. There is no need to be rude, even if you’ve been married forever. It is more important to give him your attention, to look at him and to listen, than it is to roll your eyes or shake your head in exasperation. You are trying to build a bond, not destroy the man you love.